Cannonball Read 4: The Voyage Home

CBR IV: Book 3: Pawnee: The Greatest Town in America - Leslie Knope

2012-01-26T08:24:00.000-08:00

Holy Crap! This book was hilarious! If you are a fan of Parks and Recreation, you will LOVE this book. If you have never seen the show before, you will still probably enjoy it, but you won't necessarily get all of the jokes. Pawnee: The Greatest Town in America is written as a travel/information book about the small, fictitious, town of Pawnee, Indiana.

Leslie Knope is the Deputy Director of the Parks and Recreation department, and is truly convinced that her hometown is the best town in the world. J.J.'s Diner has the world's best waffles, which she recommends should be eaten several times a day, with whipped cream and syrup, and the raccoon infestation is only a mild inconvenience.

My favorite part of the book was where they showed all of the murals in City Hall and gave the stories behind them. This has been my favorite running gag on the show.

Sunday Boxing, though I prefer the original title, A Lively Fisting.

Pawnee has a horrible history. The town was founded by a pervert in the 1800s who ran away to marry multiple 12-year-old girls. He was quickly run out of his own town because of his refusal to wear pants. There has been a history of horrible relations with other races, especially the native Wamapoke Indian tribe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mK01Fec7zA . The town is basically run by the Sweetums candy corporation, which originally contained morphine, then Black Tar Heroin.

This book had me giggling, loudly, in public. If you are a fan of Parks and Recreation, I cannot recommend it enough. If you aren't a fan, what the Hell is wrong with you? Do you hate good things?

CBR IV: Book 2: Ready Player One - Ernest Cline

2012-01-26T04:30:00.000-08:00

This is the first book I read on my Kindle. It seemed oddly appropriate since it is a techno-noir. Ready Player One is the story of Wade Owen Watts, AKA Parzival, a 17 year old kid in the year 2045. Most fossil fuels have been burned up, people live in "stacks" (trailers stacked on top of each other), and nearly everybody spends their entire lives sucked into the OASIS. The OASIS is a virtual world where teens can go to school, adults can go to work, and everyone can shop and hang out. Think The Matrix combined with World of Warcraft. Everyone has an avatar that they can use to interact in the OASIS. While connecting to the OASIS is free, traveling off worlds and weaponry costs real, actual money. Nearly everyone in the world is on the same quest; trying to find the Easter Egg that James Halliday, the creator of the OASIS, hid when he died. Whoever finds the egg wins the entirety of Halliday's multi-billion dollar fortune, and creative control of the OASIS. Parzival is finishing High School, and in his free time, he is an egg hunter or a "gunter". Halliday was an eccentric Steve Jobs-type character who was obsessed with 1980s pop culture and video games, so Parzival is obsessed with the 1980s as well.

While I wouldn't call this book the greatest literary find of our generation, I really enjoyed the Hell out of it. I couldn't put it down. It was a fast-paced adventure that really kept me on the edge of my seat. I laughed my ass off at a lot of the 80s references and in-jokes. You probably need to be at least 30 for me to recommend this book. Otherwise you probably won't get the references. I give it 5 out of 5 stars.

CBR IV: Book 1: The Night Circus - Erin Morgenstern

2012-01-23T07:30:00.000-08:00

"The circus arrives without warning."

The Night Circus is the story of Celia and Marco. Two magicians who are forced by their mentors/masters to compete against each other in order to prove...something. Neither of them knows the rules of the contest, or even how to know if they are winning. Of course, they fall in love, but the story is about much more than that.

Celia and Marco are interesting enough, but the real star of the book is the circus itself. All of the decorations are entirely in black and white, and there are innumerable attractions. Celia is the resident illusionist, but there is also a fortune teller, acrobats, contortionists, and gymnastic kittens. After a couple of years, some people start following the circus from town to town, creating a "Dead Head" type culture that obsesses over every minute detail of every aspect of the circus. They become known as reveurs, and are easily identified by their black and white outfits with red scarves. I particularly enjoyed the "Midnight Dinners" hosted by Chandresh Christophe Lefevre where he and some of the other guests created the concept of the circus.

This book was delightful. The descriptions were vivid, especially the ones about the food. I have been craving candied apples and caramel popcorn ever since! Everything in this novel made the circus feel alive. It made me want to run away and become a reveur and join the circus.

I give it 5/5 stars, and would highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys Victorian novels, fantasy, romance, or adventure.

CBRIII: The Search for Spock - Book 1 - Walking In Circles Before Lying Down - Merrill Markoe

2011-01-24T09:54:00.001-08:00

Woo Hoo, first book of the year. One down, bunches more to go...

Dawn Tarnauer is a 30-something, twice divorced employee at a doggie day-care. She has been in a string of bad relationships, the most recent with Paxton, a narcissistic DJ who hates dogs. Her mother is also a narcissist who flits around from one fad to another, her dad is a serial womanizer who perpetually needs a handout, and her sister is a wannabe life coach who used to date Scott Peterson. In short, her life is a mess. The only stability in her life has been dogs, so she talks to them. However, the big surprise is when they start talking back. After her boyfriend suddenly walks out, Dawn suddenly starts hearing the voice of her pitt-bull mix, Chuck, in her head. When Dawn goes to work at the day care, she notices that she can hear the voices of all of the dogs. Since she has had terrible taste in men, she decides to let Chuck start picking potential dates for her. Unfortunately, Chuck's criteria seldom aligns with Dawn's. Chuck picks out a butcher for her because, "he seemed humpy".

Overall, I liked this book. It wasn't really a page-turner, but it was an enjoyable, light read. Of course, as a dog trainer, I'm contractually obligated to like anything with dogs in it. I also just got out of a bad relationship, and am constantly surrounded by dogs, so I may have related to this a little too much. One thing that frustrated me was how long it took Dawn to realize her boyfriend was an asshole. As soon as a guy told me that either the dogs could sleep in the bed, or he could, I would send him packing. That's a dealbreaker ladies! I really enjoyed hearing the dog's perspectives on life and love - basically, chase the ball when you can and hump everything that will let you.

Cute book. 3 out of 5.

Book 15 - Bite Me - Christopher Moore

2010-08-17T08:30:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's hard to write a review of the third book in a trilogy without giving everything away. If you haven't read the first two books in this series, you may want to stop here; spoilers are below.

Bite Me is the third book in Christopher Moore's Vampire Trilogy that began with Bloodsucking Fiends, and continued with You Suck. Bite Me continues the saga of Jody and Tommy, two twenty-somethings who have recently become vampires, and Abby Normal, their goth-punk, teenage minion. When the story starts, Abby and her boyfriend, Foo Dog are trying to clean up the mess from the first two books. Chet, the huge vampire cat is hunting down and eating homeless people and meter maids in San Francisco, while accidentally turning every cat in town into a vampire. Meanwhile, Jody and Tommy are still one giant bronze vampire statue. Wackiness ensues.

I adored the first two books in this series, but I just didn't love this one quite as much. I can't put my finger on it; maybe it just wasn't as funny as the other books. I loved Abby Normal in You Suck, but she just got on my nerves in Bite Me. At least in this book sunlight can kill vampires. It doesn't make them sparkle

Book 14 - Going In Circles - Pamela Ribon

2010-08-13T07:33:00.001-07:00

Charlotte is a 30-year-old newlywed whose life has turned upside down. After five months of marriage, her husband walked out on her. He returns a few weeks later, but as she realizes she can no longer trust him, she moves out. Her life becomes complete and utter chaos, and she has two methods of coping. The first is to make a mental list every morning of what she is going to do that day. The second is for the more stressful parts of her life to be narrated to her by a voice that sounds surprisingly like John Goodman. In short, she's going insane.

In comes Francesca, a gothic co-worker who introduces Charlotte to the LA Derby Dolls, a banked track roller derby team. Suddenly Charlotte has a whole new group of friends, and a new outlook on life. Cue Lifetime Movie music.

I picked up this book only because it was about Roller Derby. However, Derby doesn't enter the book until about one hundred pages in. I wish the book had focused more on the roller derby, and less on the divorce drama. Charlotte was a narcissistic whiny brat for most of the book who grated on my nerves. Eventually she realizes that she is being selfish, and becomes more likable. When they finally did get to the derby, the stories were entertaining. I especially enjoyed hearing how Charlotte broke her tail bone. I severely injured mine and couldn't sit, stand, walk, or do anything without pain, so I definitely identified.

One stupid thing that I am picky about. On the cover, the girl passed out in the grass is wearing artistic skates, not speed skates. Artistic skates are terrible for derby. Since this book is written by a derby girl, one would hope she would have insisted on putting speed skates on the model.

This was a quick read, and it was cute. It might be great for a plane ride, but it's not anything I would go out of my way to pick up, unless you are really interested in whiny white girls playing roller derby.

Book 13 - Pride & Prejudice & Zombies - Jane Austen & Seth Grahame-Smith

2010-07-26T14:09:00.000-07:00

This book has been reviewed to death for The Cannonball Read, but I'm going to put my two cents in. A lot of reviews of this book have been by guys who admit that they had never read the original, or even seen a movie of it, so they had no idea what to compare it to. I think they missed the true genius of the concept. The language is lifted verbatim from the original P&P, except every now and then the Bennet sisters must fight the hoards of the Undead. I like how Smith uses a lot of the actual dialog from the book and riffs on it, especially the very well known first line. "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains."

However, what makes the book great, also makes it drag on and on and on. I have read the original Pride & Prejudice many times, seen 3 different movies of it, and I've even seen the Bollywood musical remake, Bride & Prejudice. I know how the story will end, so there wasn't really any suspense. I'm sick and tired of all of these sequels to classical novels, but the straw that broke the camel's back was, Mr. Darcy, the Vampire. ARGH! After a while, this just becomes fan fiction. Poorly written fan fiction. The concept is cute enough, but I was just ready for it to be over.

Don't check out Sense & Sensibility & Sea Monsters either. What a waste of time!

Book 12 - Storm Front - Jim Butcher

2010-07-26T08:51:00.000-07:00

OK, confession. I actually enjoyed The Dresden Files series on Sci-Fi. (It will always be Sci-Fi, never the increcibly fucktarded Sy-Fy). That was before I had ever read or even heard of the books. I still enjoy the series, but as a completely different animal. The Harry Dresden in Storm Front is a badass, take no nonsense, wizard. None of that Harry Butthole Pussy Potter shit here. He's a snarky smartass, and I think I'm in love.

Harry Dresden is a wizard for hire in Chicago. Most of his work comes from consulting with the Chicago Police Department, particularly Lieutenant Karrin Murphy of the Special Investigations Unit. They are the unit that investigates anything labeled "weird." Dresden is called in to investigate a couple whose bodies literally exploded from the inside out. What follows is a complex detective story that involves magical drugs, orgies, vampires, giant scorpions, and the mob.

This books reminds me of Laurell K. Hamilton's Anita Blake series. In the beginning, when they were good. It reads like film noir. It is a very quick read, and very entertaining. I can't wait to read more books in this series.

Book 11 - The Last Unicorn - Peter S. Beagle

2010-07-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

"There has never been a world in which I was not known."

How do you write a review of your favorite book since childhood? How do you review a book that is such a part of you that you don't ever remember not knowing it? How do you express in words how much a book has impacted your life? This is the book that I have turned to in the darkest times of my life, when I needed solace and comfort. I would call this my guilty pleasure, but I have no guilt over this book. I unabashedly adore it.

The Last Unicorn sounds like it would be the title of the girliest book of all time - something full of rainbows, fairy princesses and butterflies. Well, there are a couple of princesses, and there is a talking butterfly, but this isn't your typical fairy tale. This is a fairy tale in the vein of The Princess Bride or Stardust - a little bit fractured.

This is the story of the Unicorn who is quite content to live out her immortal life in her forest forever while contemplating how beautiful she is. One day she overhears two huntsmen saying that Unicorns are long gone, if they ever existed at all. The Unicorn decides to step out into the world and determine if she truly is the last, or if the others are in hiding. On her journey, she encounters an incompetent magician, a feisty spinster, an evil king, and the obligatory handsome prince.

While the story is fine for children to read, a lot of the themes are very adult. It is a bittersweet tale, and when I was little, the end would always make me cry. Of course it's hard to find a Peter Beagle novel that won't make you cry.

"As for you and your heart and the things you said and didn't say, she will remember them all when men are fairy tales in books written by rabbits."

Best line ever written.

In the last few years, Beagle published a sequel novella, Two Hearts. It is simply beautiful. If you enjoyed The Last Unicorn, you should definitely read Two Hearts. Also, if you ever get a chance to go to a Peter Beagle book reading, cancel all other plans and go. He is extremely nice.

Book 10 - The Graveyard Book - Neil Gaiman

2010-03-11T15:22:00.000-08:00

The Graveyard Book tells the story of Nobody Owens, whose family was murdered when he was an infant. Not a baby satisfied to be contained to a crib, young Bod crawled to the local graveyard at the time of the murders. He is then adopted by the ghosts of the graveyard. His primary caretaker is Silas, a mysterious figure who doesn't like the daytime. Bod is given the Freedom of the Graveyard, so he can walk through walls, and see in the dark crypts. However, if he leaves the graveyard, there is constantly the threat of being found by the man who murdered his family.

Each chapter is basically a short story. Years pass between the chapters, so the reader gets to see Bod grow up and want more freedom. Bod has adventures with Werewolves, Goblins, and other Ghouls. My favorite part was the chapter when Bod finally gets to go to the real world to go to school. I love how he deals with the school bullies.

I really enjoyed this book. I have enjoyed the other Neil Gaiman novels I have read: Coraline, Stardust, Neverwhere, & Good Omens. This is similar in tone to Coraline - very dark for a children's story. I especially love the first line, "There was a hand in the darkness and it held a knife." I would recommend this book to anyone who likes fantasy, but it may be too intense for very young readers.

Book 9 - Julie and Julia: My Year of Cooking Dangerously - Julie Powell

2010-02-01T09:55:00.001-08:00

I am ridiculously slow on writing reviews because I finished this book weeks ago. Other than this cannonball read, I haven't written book reviews or term papers for at least 6 or 8 years. I still have my 10th grade English teacher snarking in my brain whenever I try to write anything, telling me that it's not good enough. Now, I am the same age that Julie Powell is in this book. I will hit the big 3-0 in August, and I'm probably having my own mini mid-life crisis. I'm trying to figure out when I started giving a shit about what people think of me. I never had that problem before. I guess that's why I joined roller derby, because everybody said I couldn't, shouldn't, or wouldn't do it!

Julie Powell is a low-level secretary who works in NYC. She answers the phone and takes citizen's comments on how the city should handle the rebuilding of the World Trade Center. The comments range from heartbreakingly sad to disturbingly stupid. She is constantly stressed out, and the only outlet for her stress is cooking. One particularly bad day, she blindly picks up ingredients from the market, and unconsciously has grabbed everything to make Julia Child's recipe for potato soup. That's when she comes up with the idea to cook every recipe in Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking and write a blog about it. However, the blog slowly begins to take over her life. I enjoyed reading about how old-fashioned some of the recipes were, and how hard it was to track down some of the ingredients. It reminded me of when I wanted to make a raspberry tiramisu that Giada DeLaurentis made on The Food Network. I went to 5 different stores to track down all of the ingredients, and that damn tiramisu ended up costing about $35. But I had to make it, to prove that I could.

I really enjoyed this book. It was a quick read, and I thought it was cute. Not awe-inspiring literature, but enjoyable. I saw the movie first, then read the book. I enjoyed the movie more, but probably because I was more interested in the Julia Child parts than the Julie Powell parts. The Julie Powell in the book is more fun than the one in the movie. The one in the book is stubborn, swears a lot and has a deep-abiding love for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I can relate.

Book 8 - Tell Me Where It Hurts: A Day of Humor, Healing, and Hope In My Life As An Animal Surgeon - Dr. Nick Trout

2010-02-01T09:22:00.000-08:00

Awww, look at the cover. How could you possibly NOT want to read this book???

When I decided to become a dog trainer, a lot of my family and friends said, "Why don't you just go to vet school?". As though those two professions are the same thing. I help with a dog's mind and behavior. Veterinarians help with what is physically wrong with the dog. Don't get me wrong, I toyed with the idea, but after reading this book, I'm glad I decided on training, not vet school. Let's face it, I'm awful at giving my dogs medicine. Pill Pockets may be the greatest invention of the last thousand years. I can't even trim my dog's nails! (Yes, I know, I'm a hypocrite...)

Dr. Trout tells the story of a typical day working as an animal surgeon. His day starts at 2:47 AM when he gets a call that there is a German Shepherd that needs emergency surgery for Bloat. Bloat is a condition, common in large breed dogs where their stomach basically twists and flips so it can't function. It has a high fatality rate. If you read Marley & Me *spoiler* that is how Marley died. *end spoiler*

Dr. Trout tells more stories of patients and owners, some of which are sad, and some of which are downright funny. He seems like the kind of guy that I could hang out with at a bar, exchanging weird pet owner stories. I could tell him about the lady at my store that was opening all of the bottles of doggy bath spray and holding them under the nose of her spoiled Pomeranian so he could, "pick the smell that he likes". I could also tell him about the lady who has a Schnauzer that lunges and bites when suddenly woken up, but she can't bear to kick him out of her bed, even after he bit her on the face! Let's face it, we're all nuts about our pets.

My favorite story in the book was just a quick paragraph, but it was funny and sad at the same time. Apparently, after a lady's precious kitty passed on, she had him professionally stuffed by a taxidermist. Well, a few months later she took him to the vet clinic because he had a chronic skin infection. Imagine that scene in the waiting room! If this lady ever comes into my store, she will inevitably find me to talk to - I attract Crazy Cat Ladies.

Dr. Trout also talks about important issues facing both veterinarians and pet owners today - the rising costs of veterinary services, the explosion of animal obesity, and the upside/downside of pet parents who get their information from the internet. I thought this book was very informative, but maybe a little too technical. I enjoyed it, and it was a quick read. Anyone considering a career in veterinary medicine should read this book, it was very candid.

Book 7 - Practical Demonkeeping - Christopher Moore

2010-01-26T20:54:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I know....another Christopher Moore book. What can I say? I'm hooked!

Practical Demonkeeping is the story of the demon, Catch, and his mortal "master" Travis. Travis was a seminary student during the first World War, and he accidentally stumbled on Catch. When he became Catch's master, he was granted immortality and invulnerability. The catch (pun intended) is that the demon never leaves him and is constantly feeding. On people. That Travis cares about. One hundred years later, Travis and Catch travel to the town of Pine Cove, CA. Travis is plotting to get rid of Catch, and gets caught up in the drama of the residents of Pine Cove.

I've said this in a previous Moore review, but his most interesting characters tend to be the secondary ones. Gian Hen Gian, the king of the Djinn, is hunting Catch, but since he's been cooped up in a bottle for two thousand years, he has no concept of modern technology. He becomes obsessed with the Marx Brothers because he thinks Harpo is also a Djinn. When Augustus Brine, his mortal assistant, explains the concept of movies to him, "he felt like he had just raped the tooth fairy in front of a class of kindergartners."

This is Moore's first novel, and sometimes it shows. Don't get me wrong, it is still well written and a lot of fun, but it just isn't quite as good as Lamb, A Dirty Job, Bloodsucking Fiends, or You Suck. I am definitely planning to read some more Moore for my CBR. I'm dying to read Fool, and the third book in the vampire series, Bite Me, which comes out in April.

Book 6 - We Never Talk About My Brother - Peter S. Beagle

2009-12-25T18:48:00.000-08:00

We Never Talk About My Brother is a short story collection by Peter S. Beagle. Beagle is most commonly known as the author of The Last Unicorn, which is my favorite book and movie in the history of forever. A few months ago, I was fortunate enough to go to a book signing and reading in Gadsden, Alabama of all places. Beagle read a couple of his short stories, one of which was "King Pelles the Sure" from this collection, and it is definitely my favorite. It is the story of a young, bored king who tires of just playing war and wants to start a real one. You know, just for kicks. Quickly the horrors of war catch up to him, and he learns the meaning of sacrifice and redemption. It is beautifully written, like all of his works, and probably the best anti-war story ever told. It was hard to listen to it being told and not bust out crying in the middle of the book reading. Beagle himself broke down towards the end.

"The Tale of Junko and Sayuri" was my other favorite of the collection. Think MacBeth in Feudal Japan. It is the story of a lowly hunter who quickly moves up the ranks in the palace due to his wife who can take the form of animals.

"We Never Talk About My Brother" was the story of two brothers, one of whom has the power to make anything happen. Literally, anything, and if he makes it happen, it is as though it had always been that way.

"Spook" was cute. A poltergeist refuses to leave until he is challenged to a duel, but instead of weapons the duelists use increasingly bad poetry.

I didn't review every story, but overall this was an excellent collection. Beagle has a way of ripping your heart out, so this took me a lot longer to read than I had anticipated. I would like to add that Peter Beagle is a lovely and kind person, and it was an honor to meet him. If you ever have the chance to attend one of his book signings, GO!

Book 5 - Fade to Blue - Sean Beaudoin

2009-12-08T10:39:00.001-08:00

Hey, this is my first book for Cannonball Read that doesn't have a subtitle!

I used to be a voracious reader. Then I went to grad school and worked two jobs at the same time. When I finally finished and had time to read, I had no idea what to read. Then pajiba.com came out with their list of "This Generation's Greatest Books". http://www.pajiba.com/guides/the-generations-best-books.php I had read about half of them, and I had heard good things about the other half. It made me motivated to get back into reading. Pajiba started doing daily book reviews, and suddenly I found books that sounded interesting. I would never have heard of this book if not for Nicole's review on pajiba.com.

I'm finding it difficult to write a review of a book that I honestly didn't understand. Fade to Blue is like The Matrix on acid. It's a book that you probably need to read at least three times to understand what the fuck is happening. Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury. It's Cannonball Read! I have to read these puppies faster!

Sophie Blue is a 18 year old ultra-goth girl. One year earlier her father disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Now she has regular hallucinations that an ice cream truck is stalking and repeatedly murdering her. That's about all I can discuss without revealing the plot.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the book. It was very well-written and enjoyable. It just defies description.

Book 4 - Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal - Christopher Moore

2009-11-30T19:23:00.000-08:00

Jesus H. Christ, I loved this book! Or, more accurately, Jesus H. Christ made me love this book.

A few years ago one of my friends pointed out an interesting fact. The gospels focus on the birth of Jesus, and then you never hear another thing about him until he starts preaching, just before the crucifixion. Ever wonder what happened between the birth of Christ and his crucifixion? Lamb is the missing gospel according to Biff. Biff was Jesus's best friend ever since he stumbled on the six-year-old Messiah resurrecting lizards in the desert. Biff is hardly a Christ-like figure. He has sex (a lot), curses, learns to fight, and is generally a pain in the ass.

Biff was resurrected in the present day by the soap-opera obsessed angel Raziel in order for Biff to write his gospel. Biff and Joshua (Jesus's real name) grew up in Nazareth together and both fell in love with Maggie (Mary Magdalene). Joshua knows from the beginning that he is the son of God, even though Biff thinks he's nuts. Joshua realizes that he can't learn how to be the Messiah just hanging around Nazareth, so he and Biff set off on a journey to visit each of the three wise men. The first wise man, Balthasar, lives in a fortress with his concubines. Joshua and Biff hang around for a few years, learning about Taoism and other Asian religions/philosophies. Then they study with Gaspar for a few years at a Tibetan monastery. Finally, they travel to India and study with Melchoir. The boys, now men, return to Jerusalem and Joshua/Jesus begins preaching, gathering apostles, and well....you know the rest.

I love that Moore has Joshua/Jesus learn about all of the other established religions before starting his own. Quite a bit of Christianity has it's roots in other religions. Not all of this book is wacky hijinks. There are quite a few poignant moments as well. This book was a blast to read, and I am sure that I will be re-reading it again and again. Put this on your shelf next to Good Omens. They would be great companions.

Book 3 - Rollergirl: Totally True Tales From The Track - Melissa "Melicious" Joulwan

2009-11-22T20:50:00.000-08:00

May 16 is my anniversary with my fiance. This last year was our ninth. His response was, "Sorry for wasting your life". We have that kind of relationship. Think Al & Peg Bundy, but with 7 dogs. Since I am very much a no-frills kind of girl, we really hadn't made any big plans. That afternoon, some of my friends came by the store and asked if we wanted to go to the roller derby bout that night.

My response, "Hell yes!"

Seriously, what better way to celebrate your epic romance than by getting drunk and watching girls beat the shit out of each other? I was sold!

That night we watched Birmingham's own Tragic City Rollers whip each other around the track, dodging blockers, and seriously kicking ass. I turned to my fiance and said, "I want to do that!" So in July, I bought some skates and started practicing. I still suck, but I'm getting better.

Rollergirl is the story of how modern flat-track roller derby started in Austin, TX with the Texas Rollergirls. Roller derby in the '70s was run by men, for men. The modern derby revolution was by the skaters, for the skaters. In today's leagues, the skaters do all of the jobs. The skaters do the promotions, advertising, set up the bouts, recruit new skaters, set up insurance, and a thousand other jobs. Nobody gets paid. In fact, most skaters pay dues on top of buying and maintaining their equipment.

Rollergirl also stresses the importance of creating a derby persona with an accompanying alias. It's no fun for me to skate as Blake Surrock. Ick! How boring! Instead, I am Boldly Going to Kick Your Ass as Commander Strikeher, #7of9! Plus, if I get too out of control, I get to say, "That wasn't Blake that knocked her down, that was Strikeher!" It's a great way to work out aggression.

If you are interested in roller derby, you will probably enjoy this book. If you want to become interested in roller derby, you will probably enjoy this book. If you don't give a shit, then you will not find this book interesting at all. That's OK, I wouldn't want to read a book about football.

Book 2 - The Loved Dog: The Playful, Nonaggressive Way to Teach Your Dog Good Behavior - Tamar Geller

2009-11-10T21:52:00.000-08:00

Two years ago I had an office job, and I hated every second of it. I frequently had screaming, crying panic attacks on the way to work. I broke out in stress rashes and had trouble sleeping. Then one night, I woke up at 3 AM, and Fight Club was on HBO. Then the next night it happened again, and the next. I took it as a sign from Tyler Durden to quit my soul-crushingly terrible job. So I started looking. I knew office work just wasn't for me, and that I needed to do something that I would actually enjoy.

Previously, my fiance and I had taken dog obedience classes at our local pet store. We took the classes with our three dogs, and really enjoyed learning positive training techniques to communicate with our dogs. One Saturday afternoon, trying to kill time, we went back to the pet store to look around and ran into our old trainer. She was walking her foster dog, a beautiful Basset Hound, who immediately jumped up on me and licked my face. And I fell in love. She then told us that she would be leaving to become a full-time teacher, and she wished someone would take over her classes that actually cared about dogs. My response was, "Me me me me me me me me!!!!!!!"

Two years later, and I'm a dog trainer, and we adopted that Basset Hound, Murray. We also have six other dogs, all rescued, and we both volunteer with a local rescue group. Hell, right now I have a dog in my garage that my fiance found at work today. My life is dogs and I love it!

As a professional dog trainer, I didn't learn earth-shatteringly new techniques from Tamar Geller's book, but I do appreciate that there is another advocate for training dogs humanely and respectfully. How can you expect a dog to remain "Man's best friend" if your method of training involves alpha rolls, prong collars, shock collars, and outright abuse?

The first half of the book focuses on Tamar Geller's history. Tamar grew up with abusive/neglectful parents. She witnessed her parents abusing her dog when she was 12. She joined the Israeli Army and also witnessed animal abuse there. Then one day, she watched wolves playing in the wild. She realized that they didn't teach each other by bullying and intimidation. The older wolves trained the younger ones using playful games. She decided that she wanted to work with dogs, and opened a doggy day-care center.

The second half focuses on Tamar's training techniques. She states that dogs have seven needs: sense of security, companionship, understanding the hierarchy, surprises/excitement, food and exercise, mental stimulation, and love and connection. Then she spends several chapters teaching various standard training commands.

This book was very easy to read. I have read some training books in the past that put me to sleep. I really enjoyed the way she described the techniques, and why it is important to be PATIENT when working with dogs. That is definitely the most frustrating part of my jobs. It's rarely the dogs, it's usually the owners!

At the end of the book, she has a small chapter on Puppy Mills and the horrors that go on there. One of my dogs was a puppy-mill throw away, and he is scared of everything and everybody. I have seen first-hand what the effects of these doggy concentration camps can do. Do not EVER buy a dog from a pet store. It has probably come from one of these death traps. Please, please, please check your local shelter first. I can almost guarantee you will find your new best friend there. And if you come to Alabama, I'll even train him for you!

Don't breed or buy while shelter pets die!

Book 1 - Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story - Christopher Moore

2009-11-05T22:35:00.000-08:00

This is my first review of everything ever, so if you don't have something nice to say, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

*Ahem*

This is my third Christoper Moore novel, and so far, I've enjoyed all that I have read. I read "A Dirty Job" last summer and absolutely adored it. A few weeks ago, I picked up "You Suck" at the library, and got several chapters into it before I realized that it was the sequel to "Bloodsucking Fiends". I hate it when I do that! Oh well.

"Bloodsucking Fiends" is the story of Jody, an attractive 26-year-old woman living in San Francisco that is attacked one night and slowly realizes that she has been turned into a vampire. Then she does what any of the rest of us would do in her position: find a minion to do her bidding. Enter Tommy. Tommy is an aspiring writer/19-year-old stockboy from Incontinence, Indiana. He's been in San Fran for about 10 minutes when he meets Jody who almost immediately asks him to move in. Wanting to get laid, he immediatly agrees. What results is a story that is part murder-mystery, part adventure, part romance, and all hilarious.

In Moore's novels, the main characters are somewhat interesting, but the best characters are usually the supporting players. My favorite is the self-proclaimed Emperor of San Francisco. He is a homeless man who defends his city with the help of his Golden Retriever, Lazarus, and his Boston Terrier, Bummer. He may or may not be completely out of his mind. When he takes the dogs on a vampire hunt, he dresses them in armor and brandishes a wooden sword.

It's hard not to fall in love with a book that includes turkey bowling, floor-polisher water skiing, and bronzed turtles. If you like books that lean toward the absurd, then "Bloodsucking Fiends" is for you, and if you enjoyed this book, read the sequel, "You Suck". I actually liked the sequel more, just because Abby Normal cracked me up.

*I actually finished this book a week ago, but my laptop crashed, and I've been sharing a laptop with my fiance. Today I drove to the library to write my review, so appreciate my committment, dammit!

It's Almost Here!

2009-10-30T08:46:00.000-07:00

It's almost here! Cannonball Read II: Electric Boogaloo, Rise of the Silver Surfer, The Search for Curly's Gold! Unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent, and I haven't cheated and started reading yet. I think my first book will be Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story by Christopher Moore. Since I have a stack of books on dogs and dog training, I'm planning on alternating between fiction and dog-related books. I read Marley & Me a year ago, so don't plan on that being on the list. Once was enough! Too damn emotional! I am open to suggestions, but I refuse to read Chick Lit. Sorry. I plan on getting up early Sunday and hitting the books. Viva Dia de Los Muertos y Libros!

Vacation Ho!

2009-10-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

Will be leaving for Disney World shortly. If I get tooooooo drunk at the Epcot Food and Wine Festival, I may kick the shit out of a Jonas Bro myself (if Mr. Mouse doesn't beat me to it). Take care kiddos, see you back in a few days.

More random crap I hate

2009-10-19T06:36:00.001-07:00

1. John Mayer - Oh dear sweet Zombie Jesus I fucking hate John Mayer. Not personally, just his music. Although anybody that churns out the crap he does is probably an asshole to boot. In his song "Say What you Need to Say", he uses the phrase "Say What you Need to Say" over THIRTY TIMES! I looked up the lyrics, and it's about 36. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!!? Of course I have to hear it every friggin' day at work, and it makes me want to drive to his house and make him gargle broken glass so he can't hurt anybody with his music anymore!

Don't even get me started on his cover of "Free Falling"

2. "If I Were a Boy" - Is this Beyonce's secret wish to be a lesbian? If you were a boy you'd be a better man? You're so perfect at being a woman that you can now show men how worthless they are by being the perfect man? Plus, she sounds like a cat being strangled.

3. Live-Action programming on Adult Swim - You are called THE CARTOON NETWORK for a reason. Your live shows SUCK, especially "Tim & Eric, Awesome Show, Great Job". Who actually watches this crap? There aren't enough drugs in the world! You cancelled Frisky Dingo, Lucy Daughter of the Devil, and lost Futurama to Comedy Central, but you still have The Mighty Boosh, The Office (British)*, and Saul of the Molemen?!?!?!? BLURGH!

4. Dumb-Ass Grammar Mistakes in "Educated" People - You do not use an apostrophe just because a word is plural. Ex. I have two cat's. You use it to show POSSESSION. Those are my cat's toys. Also, your and you're. Ex. Your thirty years old. FUCKTARD! There are many more that I can't think of off the top of my head.

5. Unnecessary Facebook Updates - I don't care if you are watching TV. I don't care if you are brushing your teeth. I don't care if you are watching a movie with your husband. I don't care about the minutia of your every-day life. That's why I will NEVER have a Twitter account. I should start announcing when I'm taking a crap, or masturbating. Facebook and Twitter are for narcissists. I especially hate the "feel sorry for me and tell me how wonderful I am" posts. Ex. "I hate that I am always alone." Get over yourself.

*I do enjoy the British Office, but it has been out on DVD for years, so it's not like they're showing anything new.

Random Crap That Pisses Me Off

2009-10-16T21:37:00.000-07:00

Fucking Yuppies that cut in front of me in line at Tazikis. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE GUY IN ORANGE PLAID SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And then you cut in front of me AGAIN at the drink fountain?!?!?!?! I hope your kids put you in the state-run nursing home where they beat you every night.
People who are wearing heavy sweaters, long pants, and flip-flops. WHY????? Don't your feet get cold? Are you some kind of alien?
Purse dogs. It's a dog, not a cat. Let it walk around or it will grow up to be anti-social and try to bite the shit out of me.
Alabama's dumbass weather. STOP RAINING ALREADY!!!!!
Crocs. Especially winter crocs with fleece lining. On men. What could possibly make me want to fuck you less?
People who say, "My dog won't do that!" Well they won't with that attitude asshole!
Right now, pretty much everything and everybody.

Roller Derby Bout this weekend

2009-10-14T08:27:00.000-07:00

If you are anywhere near the Birmingham, AL area this Saturday, please come check out the Tragic City Rollers. We need all the support we can get! Tickets are only $8 if you buy online. I'm still too much of a newbie to skate in the bout, but I will be tracking penalties.

Fucking Pajiba

2009-10-13T21:06:00.000-07:00

Fucking Pajiba and their cannonball read making me start a blog...

52 books in one year. Not that hard right? Only a book a week

Of course I work a billion hours a week, volunteer for a dog rescue, practice roller derby, knit, do yoga, and take care of my 7 dogs, 2 cats, and leopard gecko.

This may be harder than I thought.